This is a different moment in my life, for many years I was always happy to relate to the land of Egypt, and had love for this country, for my memories, for the people I know in it. However, it was really hard to substantiate rationally why I held firmly to this love. I recall the moment I stepped out of the tube at the airport as I landed in Egypt returning to test the waters for a while after spending 7 years abroad, as I stepped into the terminal I asked myself what is "home", why would I call Egypt Home?, is it the physical place, the memories, the people. Would talking family and loved ones somewhere else be enough to call it home. I never really arrived at a conclusive answer, probably because rationalising the return to Egypt was very hard.
All these feelings are now part of the past.
Over the past 18 days, I have had mixed feelings about Egypt, surprise, hate, anger, passion, pity, fear, respect, pride, disgust and frustration, happiness, and hope.
Surprise (Jan25th) : It was beyond my imagination that the protests of Jan 25th would be of the magnitude they were, and that they will be organised and within control as much as they were.
Hate (Jan26th): Being arrested by the "National Security Force" (although they are neither national or security, but only force of the regime) and how it was with no reason and in a manner that was degrading to a human, and how cowardly it was, caused me to hate this country to levels I never imagined I could. Although the whole ordeal lasted for a couple of hours, it was enough to make me feel levels of hate to this country beyond what I could have ever imagined possible.
Anger (Jan 28th): The events of Jan 26th made me feel a great degree of rage and anger as protests started after Friday prayer, this moment remained all through the day and was enough to overcome a great amount of fear that came to me while I was on Kasr Elnil bridge early in the day (footage of these moments in in the http://nayerw.blogspot.com/2011/01/day-os-anger.html).
Passion(Jan 31th): The surprise that has overwhelmed me since Jan 25th turned to passion. Passion that this is becoming a reality and that the success is becoming a strong possibility
Pity (Feb 1st): I felt pity to people who couldn't see beyond the speech Mubarak made to the nation appointing a vice president and a new prime minister. How could people fall for the speech and not be able to see that this was not genuine. Especially that most of them were educated and should be able to see the truth in all what was happening.
Fear (Feb 2nd): This day will remain carved in my memory. I have to admit that I have felt fear that I have never experienced before. I was in the square as events started to escalate and was called for to stand at Kasr Elnil enterance to hold pro-Mubarak mobs back. I received several phone calls from family that hugely impaired my ability to stand my ground and left in the afternoon as things were getting more violent. I had spent most of the rest of the day in solitude with no access to any information. I have to admit that I was unable to take control of myself because I was almost sure that people in the square were doomed to death. That they would not survive this attack, and that this would come to an end.
Respect (Feb 3rd): I opened the TV in the morning expecting to find those brave souls in the square defeated and finished. I was astonished that they actually not only survived the night but fought back and won the day. I felt a huge respect to the men and women that survived the night there and felt so small and weak that I wasn't there with them and that I was overcome by the pressure that was put on me.
Pride (Feb 8th): I was proud to be part of such a movement that has captured the respect of Egyptians and people around the globe. The movement that has remained restrained and civilised despite all the turn of events that have happened in the span of two weeks. Respect that has changed how people in Egypt perceived those standing firm in Tahrir square.
Disgust and frustration (Feb 10th): The anticipation leading up to the address of Mubarak to the nation probably would grant the regime in Egypt an Oscar. As we waited in Tahrir to listen to a positive speech it turned to be extremely disappointing. As the speech went on, this disappointment changed to disbelief, rage,disgust and frustration. Who were wrote this speech was detached from the reality that was clear as daylight. The most elaborate response to the speech was people pulling off their shoes and putting them up to Mubarak.
Happiness (Feb 11th): The speech made by Omar Sulieman that the president was stepping down was associated with a great degree of happiness from all in the coffee shop I was sitting in with friends after leaving the square in the late afternoon. I made my way back to the square to share the joy and festivities with the people. The environment was just as proper a it was since the 28th, but it was miced with so much happiness and joy with all those in the square.
Hope (Feb 12th) : The assurance that the things were progressing well made me feel hope that tomorrow would definitely be better. That the spirit that was present spontaneously in Tahrir square could prevail in Egypt for many years to come.
I am strongly in favour of looking forward, and progressing with Egypt to a better future, only looking back for lessons from the past and building for a better future. Egypt is now in the hands of Egyptians, and if they fail this time then it is only their own loss.
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